Saving Sajdah

Wednesday August 26^th

8:00 pm

Nothing.

She hasn’t moved all afternoon, I’m used to her kicking throughout the day. Especially when I have something sweet. I started to cry uncontrollably and felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Maybe she’s just sleeping, and Inshallah she’ll wake up later, when I lay down.

11:00 pm

I started crying my eyes out.

I knew.

My husband calmed me down and convinced me to get some sleep, and we would go to the hospital first thing in the morning.

Although it’s not something I was conscious of, my views of having a family were very ‘American’. I wanted to finish school, work for a year or two, and then maybe I would think about it. It took the better part of my first trimester to get over the fact. I thought I had my life planned out. I thought I knew what I wanted.

Thursday August 27^th

11:00 am

“Hassan!”

I immediately got up and followed the midwife into the ward. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that the baby hadn’t kicked for 24 hours. Without taking her eyes off my record she told me to have some cold water. “That always gets them going.”

I waited for 5 minutes and still, nothing. The midwife told me to have a seat, and she would call me. I remembered Mom telling me that when she was having my brother he slept for 24 hours straight and scared her to death. She’s probably just sleeping.

Inshallah nothing bad will come out of this. I’m probably just panicking for no reason. Inshallah there is nothing to worry about.

My name was called, and a senior midwife ushered me into an examination room she began to search for the heartbeat. In the adjacent room I could hear someone hooked up to a monitor and a constant little heartbeat was echoing in the ward. At that point in time, there was no sound more beloved to me than hearing my baby’s heart.

She searched for about 4 minutes. My eyes began to swell with tears as I followed her instructions to breathe in and then out.

She then turned to me and asked how long it’s been since I felt the kicking. When I told her, she asked why I hadn’t come in yesterday. I began to tell her that I figured… She abruptly cut me off, “With a baby we don’t figure, we don’t take chances.”

She asked me to wait there and she left the room. I began to cry again. Now, all I wanted was to know that my baby was alive. I’m supposed to be becoming a mommy. I’ve mentally prepared myself for this. This is the most important job I will ever have.

I was then escorted into the exact room I had just been in 2 weeks ago. In fact, the same technician that handled my 5-month sonogram greeted me. I was sure, but I was hoping with all my heart that I was wrong.

In a matter of seconds and with a few clicks of the scanner she confirmed the thought that had been haunting me for the last day and a half.

“I’m so sorry love.”

I started sniffling and was trying to hold back tears.

I asked, “what happens now?”

We were taken to a small empty room with a window and two chairs. We sat quietly and after I cried some more, I called my Mom and told her the news. She was so distraught, and was in sheer disbelief. I felt her pain; she was helpless, all the way across the Atlantic.  “ You’re a Mom, and no one can take that away from you.”

Her words resonated in my mind. I just sat still, and stared out that window.

Sunday August 30^th

6:20 pm

Sajdah M. Othman was delivered, at 5 ½ months she weighed 1 lb 6 oz. She was small and still. There was a peace about her. I held her for a little under 15 minutes, and she was whisked away by the midwife.

All the Inshallahs, every other sentence. Every other thought. People tend to sprinkle their conversation with religious words, it wasn’t like that. I knew that the story in Surat Al-Kahf was about when the Prophet PBUH didn’t say it, and revelation was withheld for a little while. The verse was sent down as a reminder to say “Inshallah.” So I was adamant on remembering to say it. I hadn’t however, fully internalized what it meant. Not until now.

This was my reminder that Allah SWT has the ultimate control over our affairs. We can try and plan and make decisions to the best of our abilities. But in the end, it is if Allah SWT wills it or not. Inshallah isn’t some magic word, that when said, things have to occur. It means exactly what it says, “if Allah SWT wills it.”

This is what He willed.

I accept that.

I considered calling this post ‘Losing Sajdah,’ but when I thought about it in its proper context, she is one of the only things saved for the hereafter, and most else in this world is to be lost.